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Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

Started by oldschool, February 06, 2011, 09:04:51 AM



A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,
And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun,
Keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question,
But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,
As she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes,
He jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"



Joining The Church!!        
A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told  them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'             
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.

When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so there a problem?' the vicar inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult...however, we  managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.  It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for nearly an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'  admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome back at Bunnings, either.'


A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.

After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "How did you do?".

She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".

He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "All of them".


At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said,
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".
Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished!
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant
and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."


A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper.  Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why the f**k can't they play at night?'


Roger 85 married Jenny a lovely 25 year old...

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages!!




Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: He ain't no stockbroker!  A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Pat: 'Scuse me.  No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: No offence taken!  I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: Oh!  What's that then?

Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.  Which is  it?

Pat: It's in a pond!

Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably  married?

Pat: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: Me? Never.

Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: How's that then?

Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Eric: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: What's that then?

Pat: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: Nope.

Pat: Well then, you're a wanker!



A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March,....... etc.........


Children are Quick...

TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT:    Class started before I got here.
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America       ..
MARIA:        Here it  is.
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER:   Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
(I  Love this child)
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:         Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are. 
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:        I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:        All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. 
                 Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:        Because George still had  the axe in his hand.....   
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
TEACHER:     Clyde , your  composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
                  Did you copy his?
CLYDE     :    No, sir. It's the same dog.   

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.


A young Wellington woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. I'm a sailor and we are off to California tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy.
"With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to California, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to California." "I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Picton Ferry".


Things Confucius did NOT say...

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!


The following are all replies that Liverpool women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details" or putting it another way....Who's the Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out No 10. It takes 1st prize and No 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise...

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also born at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur, the only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.



An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque.
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.

She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."