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Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

Started by oldschool, February 06, 2011, 09:04:51 AM



lol if i didnt know the answer to some questions in exams i would just be a smart arse (until i got in trouble). but some of these sound like genuine answers lol
Li'l Blu


Vaseline Survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken aback....
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all....

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty!


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope, just when it's raining.'


A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.


More Irish Jokes...

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife.  The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on those stupid bastards, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different...

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.  

Mick asks "What are you doing different this year then?"

Paddy says: "I'm damn well taking her with me!"


Bloke spends a night with female jockey. In the morning she says, come to the races today and i'll give u signals, as i leave the mounting yard for what horse to back. Race 2 she rubbed both tit's, so he backed Two Abreast and it won. Race 4 she put her fingers round her eyes so he backed Eyeliner. It won. Race 6 she stood up in the stirrups and rubbed her fanny. So he did not have bet at all. After races he thanked her for winners in races 2 and 4. She said what about Itchy Mickey in the 6th. He said fuck! I thought u were telling me the cunts scratched



A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a traffic light and an old guy on a scooter pulls up next to him.
The old guy leans over and takes an admiring look inside the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.
Well, the light turns green, so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and floors it, leaving the old guy on the scooter in his dust.
Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip past him!
So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the old guy on the scooter.
A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him!

So now he's a little irate, as well as a bit miffed that the scooter keeps passing him, so he floors it again, until he's going over 100 mph!
He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in his rear view mirror and sees the scooter about to overtake him again!!
He then decides to find out what the hell that scooter really is and slams on his brakes, causing the scooter to crash into him!
After the dust settles, the Porsche driver sees the dazzed old man lying on the road and goes over to him and asks how he could go as fast as a Porsche, on a wimpy little scooter??

The old man replied, "I can't really, my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."


Abroad and thinkin' of avenger



A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm going to lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."


What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby?
They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.
They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them were crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely.
A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy baby was theirs.
"Isn't it Wonderful?" Elton said to David " All these unhappy babies.......and yet our baby is so happy.
That just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!""


"Oh I pity those that have seen her,
You see my car's a Morris Marina,
And though it goes, it's seldom for long,
Before something serious does go wrong....."

That's why I changed to Avengers!


During the RWC an Italian, Frenchman and Kiwi were talking in a pub.
The subject inevitably turned to their feats with women...

The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil.
Then we made passionate love. I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with  special aphrodisiac oil,
And then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The  Kiwi fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter.
I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love. I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and  Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours?  Phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Kiwi:  "I wiped my hands on the curtains."