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Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

Started by oldschool, February 06, 2011, 09:04:51 AM




What happened to the Avengers in Ireland!

This actually is kinda true! A notorious Kerry TD (MP) was wanting legislation to allow people who live locally to their Pub in rural areas to be granted special drink-driving permits. The idea being as you know the back roads and 'take her handy' while drunk sure whats the problem with that? Restricted to 60kph and only on the road from your Bar to home. Actually that's not a bad idea... People have to live and no Taxis in a lot of rural places.

Led then to this joke: Drunken culchie (redneck) get stopped by the Gards (fuzz) after a feed of drink on a Friday night.

Says to the Cop, ''..'tis grand so Gard, I live in a cave..''
Abroad and thinkin' of avenger


A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet," the dad replies.

The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go to the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"

"They summoned me to the principals office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.

"That's what I said" the boy replies.


A lady walks into a pet store.

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO

The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?"

The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."

The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.

She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking."

The lady finds it amusing.

Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight."

The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.  His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE..... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"

This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing.  I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf just shook his head. "You think THAT's embarrassing ? I couldn't get on the bed !"


So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens.

It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.

So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.

The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!"

Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue and wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again and took a tissue, wiped her nose and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a bad cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, with her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

The woman replied 'I'm sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I've never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Yes...pepper!


A woman visits the chemist and asks "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Does it work?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered.
"Can I get it over the counter?" she asked.
"You can, if I take two," he replied.


The Amish Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'



A woman crashes into a man's car driving home from church.

Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars the woman says; "Wow just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we would meet, be partners and live together in harmony for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another car is ruined, but my bottle of wine didn't break!

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too.


I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so at least I got home OK.

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a naughty video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late mate, the paperwork's already done."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered ? the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"