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Time to lighten up - share some favourite jokes!!

Started by oldschool, February 06, 2011, 09:04:51 AM



I met her at the Civic. I'd been Holden up in a bar all night. As she
walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that
was just a Mirage. She came up to me of her own Accord. I said Audi.

She told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was
an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing
a nice Mini, but not like that of a Hunter. Her name was Sylvia and she
was a real Trooper.

I'd drunk a few Coronas when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to
Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort,
so by her standards I wasn't that Ford. I didn't want to pay, she said
you don't know what your Nissan. So I paid. I took her back to my place
or HQ as I like to call it, I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an
absolute Legend.

Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food
left in the Lada. It was a great night, but I really should have worn a
condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy... a little Bambina!


what's the best way to double the value of an avenger....

put a full tank of gas in it!
Li'l Blu


An Aussie bloke was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aussie, soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen .. she was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening .. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aussie bloke started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'


man asks his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery" wife says " take half & leave" man says "here's a fiver now f*ck off


A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in West Cork when suddenly a brand-new 4x4 advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 186 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his 4x4.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the Fianna Fail Agriculture Research and Advice Sector", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a flock of sheep...

Now give me back my f**king dog


Unashamedly copied and pasted but who cares.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does f**** all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

************************************************** *****

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is SO funny!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon. Good luck!'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...'
'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my speciality?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'Oh my, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my goodness!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward, 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'

It was then that Mrs. Smith fainted


Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums.
Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.

I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment and know, that's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."



An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON , I WON !'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching?'


Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.


The Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....So I did.   
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says....'Now go to town cowboy.'

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.


More jokes from the land of the Avenger!!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection......but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge and one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"




Oldschool was driving his Turbo Avenger (TradeMe auction 367871563) down the motorway at 160 km/h enjoying wasting Escorts and Jappas, when looking in his rear view mirror...he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren wailing!

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180km/h, then 200, then 220.  Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited 10 minutes for the Holden Commodore police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the Turbo-venger, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends soon. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

Oldschool thought for a moment...then looked very seriously at the policeman and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman...I thought you were bringing her back!"

"Have a good day Sir", said the policeman.


Jumping On the Bed...!

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on the bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, what's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
Her husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Gotta love women!!


With doctors making notes like these, stay out of hospital as long as possible!!

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

8. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

9. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

11. She is numb from her toes down

12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

13. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

15. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

16. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

17. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

18. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

19. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

20. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

21. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

22. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

24. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

25. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

26. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

27. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

29. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.



The following questions were set in last year's SAT examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head