Unashamedly copied and pasted but who cares.
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does f**** all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
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There is not one dirty word in it, and it is SO funny!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon. Good luck!'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...'
'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my speciality?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'Oh my, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my goodness!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward, 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Tripod???'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
It was then that Mrs. Smith fainted
cars
